My classmate is far more rotten than I am
by feelingless4
Summary: Guilt is a feeling Hachiman never once had to bear with before. But after the incident involving a certain dog's death, he, for the first time in his life, hates himself. Now as the first and only member of the service club, he gets to meet someone as internally broken as him in the seek of help. An event he will soon regret.


Life is just an overrated word.

A word that spreads through pointless acts of effortless actions, only to wait its unavoidable outcome of death. It makes me wander the real objective of our euphemistic way to survive. The amount of pleasantries we encounter with in our daily basis.

They are nothing but ways to distract the inevitable.

They strive to enjoy what is considered a one-time experience, to delude themselves in order to 'share' its joy and blissful moments they so desperately seek for.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. **[1]**

A close translation to what it is, and yet still ignored by those who reject such wise pick of words. Afraid to what this could entail if perseveringly pushed to its full intentions, people reject what holds the truth in blind ignorance and deceive, only to keep endeavoring the adamant ideals they have begun to plaster into our minds.

Such fallacies deserve death penalty.

But the world only lounges to what is 'good' for them, clinging its one-sided and selfish mentality towards an ideality of false promises and hollow hopes.

Those that can't follow those steps are immediately considered a waste of time. Discarded and thrown away by society.

Such cruel destiny we, loners, have to fate.

No matter the reasons you have, or the experiences you have been getting through along with the years. We all share the feeling to what life and reality has unfold upon us.

The inability to trust, which inherits the lack of enthusiasm to make friends.

But that's something that I no longer muse about. Pointless ponderings and useless babblings won't get me anywhere. Oh, I am well aware of it.

"Hikki…"

The call of Yuigahama-san's nickname that she placed on me woke me up from my undeniably cynical thoughts.

I forcefully open my eyes, looking around slowly, trying to focus on my vicinities, only to find that the rest of the classmen were eating and chit chatting over nonsensical things as their daily basis routine in school.

I remember now. It was lunchtime and I fell asleep after finishing off my meal.

I stretch up with an 'hmm' leaving out my mouth, removing my headphones from my ears to hear out about what Yuigahama had to say.

Must be something important if she was talking to me in front of her peers and risking her reputation.

"What?" I ask bluntly to avoid any unnecessary attention towards here.

Which of course, didn't work out.

Is it so weird coming from me to talk with a girl sometime?

…..

What am I even talking about? It obviously is.

"Could we talk this outside?" That was smooth coming from you, Yuigahama. Avoiding direct contact with me and bringing this out, so people won't be watching you talking with a creep such as me.

I simply nod, following her to wherever she wants, to bring up her reasons for pulling me out of my slumber.

We walk through the almost empty hallways of the corridor, both aware of the unpleasant stares we were receiving at our direction. Yuigahama seems nervous, enough to stare at me in confusion.

 _Hey, don't look at me like that. This was all because of your doing._

She's not getting used to be seen like this. Oi, after hanging around with me for a month, dragging me out of nowhere for whatever reasons you have, and you are still looking as if none of this has ever happened before?

Is it possible that your hippocampus is not working as normally as it would?

I forgot that this is Yuigaham-san we are talking about. Even if I gave her lessons to memorize the simplest strategies of ' _The art of war_ ', it will most certainly take the time a 2nd grade child takes to dissociate the differences between the rights of democracy and liberalism. **[2]**

Which is pretty low in my standards.

Anyway, as I was making fun of Yuigamaha's way of thinking, I notice that she was walking almost beside me. Grabbing down my sleeve with both hands, not even caring the piercing stares most of the boys were giving straight out to me.

Then again, this is Yuigahama-san we are talking about. She's been acting weird around me since Hiratsuka-Sensei had mercilessly dragged me into some kind of club she came up with.

Probably one of the most random acts of pity I've seen so far towards me.

* * *

This called 'service club' was created to hear people with uncertainty and lack of independency, meant to give them a hand and help them out with their troubles.

At least that's what she wants to convey shallowly to the rest of the school.

In fact, it was mainly because of us, the troublemaker kids (me), the reason of its existence. An isolated room, only to be filled up by the likes of me to capacitate our inability to socialize and rejoin society.

More like a ripped off idea from a shonen manga.

The first week was pretty much uneventful. I was getting used of being alone in that comfy room.

No one to bother me or looking at my direction indirectly, followed by casual insults of how disgusting my eyes are.

I could have almost called it "Hachiman's kingdom of loneliness"

Quite a fitting name for a worthy space. Almost as good as my usual lunch spot, but not enough to conceive its natural sights and chilling afternoon breezes. The silence and lack of people made it perfect to allow me to read my light novels without worrying about the comments of how lonely I was.

Not that it was bothering me anyway. Getting 'praising' comments over my social status is something that I got used to hearing.

But, as always, fate was not at my side.

Just when I thought I outmatched a sensei slickly, a certain someone had dared to knock the door of my realm.

Whoever it is, I dare thou to enter this world of unbearable silence, for thou shalt be punished if thy intentions are to disturb my delusional world.

Just when I thought I got rid of my otaku senses.

"I'm coming in" The voice had proclaimed, stepping in to show off its perfect and wondrous physical traits.

Thou shalt be claimed by the almighty king of loners, Hiki-

Okay, I seriously need to stop that.

The source of the voice was no more than Yuigahama Yui, one of the most popular girls in Sobu High school. Her facial features, her long legs and… developed chest were beyond perfection. The uniform could not be more fitting with her features as it actually is. Wearing a casual sized, black school skirt with a white shirt and a ribbon on her bulged… meat balls, she walked pass the door, closing and bumping it lightly with her bag placed on her left shoulder.

I arch a brow, taken aback by the mere consideration of someone coming in to this room.

Sighing, I close my light novel, placing it into my bag as a sign that my peace was shut down by an unlikely presence. Clearing my throat, I ask as politely as I can.

"Yes?"

Damn, I'm so good at this.

"Uhm, could this be the service club Hiratsuka-sensei told me to go in?"

…..

I knew this was all you fault, demon sensei.

"It is."

"Oh, ahm, sorry. Heh. It's just that I had some doubts for the… lack of members, you know." She states, smiling sheepishly and scratching the back of her head.

This is the kind of experiences I've tried to avoid since the beginning of school.

"Understandable." I say, talking as directly as I can to avoid any unnecessary waste of energy.

Since when have I been so lethargic?

With no other thoughts in mind, I stand up to move the chair in the middle of the table, beckoning her to take a sit while pulling out another chair from the rest of the pile.

"Is there anything you want help with?" I ask nonchalantly.

"Actually, yes. But, before that, let me introduce myself properly."

"Ah, there is no need to, Yuigahama-san." I declare with my dull, dead fish eyes.

"…Do we know each other?" She asks with a disgusted look on her face.

Talking about the rotten apple of the tree.

"Sorry. I think that was unprecedented from me. My name is Hikigaya Hachiman, class 2F." I slightly bow.

Why did even do that? Did I just belittle myself doing such shallow motion?

Whatever happened to my inner self-pride?

"That's the same class I attend to every day. How come I haven't seen you so far?"

Thanks to one of my 108 abilities, sponsored by Hikigaya-sama

"It's basically because I try to avoid people at all cost." I proudly state. "The less I get to know someone, the less crap I have to deal with, which explains the reasons of why I am so unnoticeable and absent from others that I care so little."

I kind of sounded cool just for a moment.

"Wow"

I know right?

"That's a little… sad."

…

I know right?

"Anyway, care to tell me why you are here?"

"Oh, yeah." The way you dismiss embarrassing moments is notoriously impressive. "I was expecting if you could help me with… finding a hobby?"

Alright, you are wasting my time here. Please get out of here before I rudely decline your request.

But then, why did she ask me that? This was an unlikely turn of events that I was not expecting to get, especially in my first day of 'charity'

You could have just asked one of your 'friends' to elicit a respond.

Even you could have just gone and seek it yourself.

"Why? Couldn't you have, like, asked one of your friends to help you?"

"At first, I was intending to do that, but I don't think they will be able to assist me. Moreover, they would have considered it to be a bother."

Then why bother doing it with a complete stranger?

Something tells me this has to be important.

"What for?"

"Uhmm, it's a little hard to mention it, since it happened quite recently in this month." She points out, her gaze downcast and her smile no longer plastered on her face.

"What do you want to forget about?"

I know, for utter experience, that she wants to forsake a memory about something.

Cosplaying and playing videogames was an alternative way to forget about my misadventures over the… special treatments I had at school.

This was no exception at all. Yuigahama Yui wanted to replace an experience, more like delude herself to pretend that nothing had happened with exuberant feelings.

And she was asking it straight out of desperation.

She looks me directly in the eyes, her eyes wide open in sign of surprise, but at the same time, relieve.

"It's... uhmm-"

"You don't have to tell me about that, Yuigahama-san." I stop her, raising my palm to add motion. "I'm merely here to assist you to whatever you are having troubles with. There is no need to push yourself in order to make me comprehend what you are feeling." I said with a straight up tone.

"Thanks." She manages to utter, showing a smirk on her lips.

"You don't have to. So, what do you suggest we do?"

Bringing her index finger up to her chin, she says. "I believe cooking can be a good idea. It kind of stresses me out, but it's entertaining when doing it with someone else."

That's… a very good idea to begin with, but…

"What do you mean by 'stresses me out'?"

Fiddling with her indexes, she looks down with shame. "I am… not really good at making meals, or something bearable related to a kitchen."

Just how hopeless can you be? Do you want me to teach you how to cook? I might be aspiring to become a full time househusband, but that doesn't mean that I'm ready to be one.

Yet.

"Could it be that you can teach me how to make… I don't know…. Cookies?" She asks me, not looking directly at my face.

I can, at the very least, do that.

Don't expect too much, though.

"Alright. I think we can manage to do that for today."

Smooth as always, Hikigaya. Bravo.

* * *

As we leave 'Hikigaaya's kingdom of loneliness' and heading to the home economics room, I then notice that Yuigahama was keeping as much space as she can from me. She is now hiding behind walls, looking around to see if someone was walking at this hour of the day.

This is a… kind of a new experience to me. Being avoided by girls was a thing, but to even scare them out when I'm trying to be useful for the first time in my life?

Somehow, the more times passes by between us, the more despondent I feel to give you any sort of assistance.

Another awkward experience to add up to my list.

Not that there is much I can do. She was part of the 'alpha wolfs' after all, and as such, she had a reputation to keep in front of the school. Being seen by scum like me would probably raise a lot of questions.

Gossips and misinterpretations can be easily manipulated. It's only a matter of time before she gets bullied out of nowhere.

You are just lucky I am so understandable. If I were to be someone else, I would have increased my pace to leave you behind along with your ridiculous request.

I sigh, noticing that I was in the front door of the home economics room. Opening it, I make my way in, leaning on the wall entrance to wait for the queen of bitches.

Huh, that was a good one, I dare say.

* * *

It took her a minute to finally show up.

"Close the door before someone sees you." I say matter-of-factly.

"Oh, hmm." She nods, closing the door without making any sound.

As expected, the room was completely avoid of life, which was enough for Yuigahama to let out a sigh of relieve.

Not paying attention to that, I make a quick survey around the vicinities. The ovens were placed in rows of two hundred square centimeters of three each row. Some of the sinks were placed on the walls and some of them beside the ovens, making a total of six rows. Two in the middle, and four on each wall of the room. There were some wooden cabinets placed on the walls, probably with some supplies left to use.

I've never had the time to appreciate its big features. Probably because of me spacing out almost every time.

Okay, it's cooking time.

Hmm, actually it's four thirty. **[3]**

* * *

Usually, I pondered about how the world works out when it comes to difficult choices. All the possibilities we had, only to take the worst possible outcome almost all the time, leading us to embarrassing, traumatic experiences we want to forget.

If death was a merciful choice as some of the people say, I'd taken it without any doubts in mind.

But that thought had never, ever crossed my mind.

Until now.

Should I consider myself lucky for the fact that I've never had to face a choice between life and death?

Yes, yes I do.

Or at least that's what I thought seconds ago after looking at some of the most disastrous things I have encountered with so far.

As I was making that hard choice of how long would I be living, I analyze silently what's actually in front of me, tears flowing down my cheeks for the horrendous vision I am experiencing right now.

Or was it because of that strong smell it's emanating from that thing?

I can literally see the chemical properties of gaseous elements in this cookie, as its effects are beginning to perform the symptoms of a dangerous disease inside my body.

Is this how synesthetic people feel like? To be able to see the smell of anything and detect whether it's poisonous or not?

I can only tell they are having a good time at being cautious.

"I guess I was not even born to make cookies either way." The criminal performer blurts out.

How come you are not already brought up by the authorities?

I barely nod, turning around to open the nearest window of the room.

Fresh air, how much I missed you. If I ever escape from this alive, I'm going to start worshipping you for all you have done to me here today.

"What did you add to those cookies?" I manage to say, still composing myself from the heinous experience.

"N-nothing out of normal." She retorts, waving both hands defensively. "I did what you told me to do, with an exception of an extra ingredient."

"What was it?"

"…."

"So?"

"I thought putting some onion would give it the spicy flavor I was looking for and-"

"Wait, hold on. First of all, how did you get onions?"

"Silly Hikki. There were some inside the cabinets from where we got most of the recipes."

Did you seriously have to call me with that stupid nickname? We don't even know each other and now you are spitting out nonsense.

Actually, take that back. This horrible act of merciless torture you managed to pull off had expressed enough for you.

"It's not as if they taste bad, Hikki. You are just overreacting."

"Then be my guest." I invite her, pointing with my index finger the charcoal behind me.

It took her five seconds to join me at the window with the same amount of tears I left off from early on.

You deserve that.

"What now?"

"I think that's enough cooking for today, don't you think?" Yes, it is.

"What are going to do with… these?" I slowly turn around, shrinking a little just in case the smell reaches our distance.

"I… think I should eat them by myself. They might taste horrible, but at last, this was my doing."

Yuigahama, are you, by any chance, some kind of masochist!?

As much as I want you to suffer for what you did, I still don't like the idea to see you die in front of me.

Turning around completely, I slowly approach to the cookies, still placed onto the silver plate without any scratch made onto it.

You didn't even had the strength to eat one of them!

I am so going to regret this.

Taking a little fragment, I close my eyes to appease the taste as if having synesthesia. I can already feel its horrible fragrance traveling across my pharynx.

Come on, Hachiman! Just do it! **[4]**

Grinding it with my bare teeth, I stiff myself, preparing for the worst outcome of my undoing.

Death.

…..

Huh?

What on earth had just happened to me?

Am I already in heaven?

Oh, wait. I can see Yuigahama in front of me, looking rather worried.

Yeah. I probably ended up in hell.

But that was not the situation that was making me question my stability in the living world.

The taste of the cookie was surprisingly… astonishing.

Aside of the smell, this cookie is one of the most talented masterpieces I had the honor and luck to eat. It was sweet, spicy and salty at the same time. Its soft insides and crunchy surface are leaving a pleasant sensation all over my mouth.

Curry, I think you got replaced henceforth from this day.

"Hikki, are you okay?"

"I-I yes. I'm fine." Why did I stutter?

And most importantly, what's with that bright smile on your face? Please stop being kawai before I fall in love with you.

"Did you like my cookies?"

"They certainly don't taste bad, aside from the smell of course."

She chuckles, taking one of the shards I left, munching it without the earlier hesitation.

"Wow, they are like, so delicious!" There is no need to jump, seriously! If you keep doing it your skirt is going to-

It was too late before I saw a white cloth of underwear between her crotches, leaving me heated up in the face while trying to look away.

Fortunately for me, Yuigahama doesn't seem to notice her… exposure of clothes in front of a man.

This woman needs to be more careful around me!

"I-if you want Hikki, you can eat the rest of it." Without noticing, she inwardly placed the rest of the cookie in front of my face with both hands, looking everywhere else but me.

Now, I know where you are trying to get at.

It's okay that I helped you out, but that doesn't mean that we are friends or something as close as that. Not in the slightest.

Maybe I am just misunderstanding her actions towards me, but my logical thinking stops me from stopping myself for what I was going to do.

"Sorry, Yuigahama-san. I don't think I would be able to befriend someone as shallow as you."

There is no coming back to this, so I better do it as quickly as I can.

"So please, absent yourself from showing your pity towards me. It disgusts me"

I know I could have used a better choosing of euphemisms, but this is the only way I get to keep undesirable people away from me.

I am perfectly capable of dealing with the likes of you, Yuigahama. There is no longer need to act so kindly, especially when you were trying to avoid me at the corridor twenty minutes ago.

The faster we forget this all happened, the better.

Without waiting her to respond me, I slowly turn around towards the closed door of the home economics room, not looking behind me.

I knew if I was going to, I would be regretting that decision.

"Wait!"

I whip my head in surprise at her direction, my hands still into my pant pockets'.

"I know you don't want to be seen with me, and so do I."

Bitch.

"And maybe you are right. My relationships are kind of shallow. Ending up here and asking for your help means that not even my friends care about me more than they actually pretend to" She states, Looking down to her feet and gripping the cookie on her chest with her hands.

Maybe, just maybe, I underestimated Yuigahama's way of thinking.

To notice that her relationship was nothing but a pretentious act of delusion? That's a pretty big step for certain people such as her.

She's not as hopeless as I thought.

"But at least." She looks up at me, a cryptic smile clung on her face. "Can we do this someday again? I…. really enjoyed having you taste my cooking. Even after the smell and my own self-loathing towards my food, you ate it." I think I screwed up. "You ate it because you were worried about me and the way I felt."

I think you should stop while you-

"Of course you can be disgusting at some times, or bad-looking for those eyes of yours, but at least I can say that I'm certain that you

Are a good friend."

This time it was my turn to show surprise and shock on my face.

This was the moment that I found out that Yuigahama Yui was not clueless of the actual world. To think that someone like her would ever understand me was unreachable for my expectations. She lectured me as I was just an open book, waiting to be read and understood as if it was written up to all ages.

But I knew there was another thing bothering me right now.

If she was able to do that, it only meant one thing.

She must have experienced the same fate herself.

It must have been as traumatic as mine to be able to notice it without any traits of doubt.

Damn it. Why does it saddens me that much?

I know for sure that I don't want anyone to experience what I just did these past ten years. Even whether I wanted them to understand the delusional world of youth they were living in, loneliness and rejection was never an option written down on my list. I just wanted them to understand each other more, not secluding themselves for their own sake and self-preservation, just like I did.

I know I am a coward.

I know I chose the worst outcome to my fate.

And now Yuigahama Yui was grating the mistakes I've made all over my conscience.

I know there's much I want to know about her, but pushing things like this will certainly cause another unrepairable pain.

A slow approach might work on her.

"D-do you want to join the service club? I think doing things by myself won't work out as I expected."

Stop stuttering!

"B-besides, you wanted to do this more often, didn't you?" I scratch the back of my head, preparing myself for the worse.

After all, I belittled her and told her to fuck off. I wouldn't be surprised if she declines my offer of diplomacy between two different worlds.

"I…..Can you give more time to think about it?"

Well, I was expecting a no as an answer, but I get the feeling that I already have heard the same sentence twice.

Was it because I referenced it with Orimoto's rejection when I declared to her? Was it?

Focus, Hachiman.

"Sure, I guess."

"A-ah, I didn't say no either, Hikki. Don't let this get you down. I just… need to think it thoroughly."

"Don't worry about it, Yuigahama-san. I understand." I smile warmly.

Where did that even come from? Me, smiling?

The heck?

"Well, I guess I will see you tomorrow, Hikki." She says, passing through me and getting her bag to set up for her journey. Waving her hand and smiling, she opens the door, leaving me behind in my trail of thoughts of what had happened today.

Just who the hell are you, Yuigahama Yui?

"Having some troubles, Hikigaya?" A feminine voice from outside the room calls out my last name. I don't really need to turn around to see who it was.

My peripheral vision is one of my 108 skills I am so proud to presume.

"How long have you been there, Hiratsuka-sensei?"

"Enough to hear about Yuigahama's lecture session of loners." Harsh.

"I'd never expected you to recruit people without my consent." Stepping inside the room, she pats me on my shoulder. "I can say my methods are beginning to blossom."

"What do you mean?"

She sighs, raising her hand from my shoulder. "Did you seriously think you were the only troublesome kid I had to deal with this year?"

I frown, getting the message she was trying to allude.

"Which one?"

"Huh?"

"Which essay was the worst to you?" Turning my head 90 grades to my left shoulder, I look at the now serious face of sensei.

"Let's just say your essay was the least I had to worry about."

That escalated quickly.

"Was it, perhaps, Yuigahama's?" The long silence into the room had made it quite obvious to me. I knew there was something fishy about her.

But for some reason, I want to know her even more. The way we talked. The hints we gave to each other.

Maybe she was not facing the same fate as I am, but it was pretty much close compared to my case.

Yuigahama Yui was alone, and she wanted me to hang out with her, subtly to avoid any unnecessary attention from the rest of her 'friends'.

And Hiratsuka-sensei had gave me the last part of the saw. The reason of why she rejected my not-so-subtle offer, and the reason of why she thoroughly walked across the corridors as if trying to avoid me.

She was being observed constantly by sensei.

I don't know what kind of essay you wrote up, Yuigahama, to the point that it belittled mine to be considered as the latter one on the list.

But that matters not anymore. I'm going to see you again soon, and maybe, you would be able to answer the many questions I have to you.

"Until then, Yui-chan."

* * *

 **[1]** Albert Einstein's quote

 **[2]** Believe it, I had a crazy teacher who brought that up as homework. It took me three months solving it, not caring about the tardiness of its result, or the teacher's scolding session.

 **[3]** asdf movie 8 (The cupcake scene)

 **[4]** Shia LaBeouf "Just Do It" Motivational Speech


End file.
